Impact of Stress

Are you stressing?

So this past month, since Thanksgiving, has been ridiculously stressful for me at work.  There has been so much to get done but no one to help.  I am the pro at what I do, so it’s only me.  Counting on someone else is just out of the question. 

What does that mean?

Well, life has been less than cheerful. All I want to do after work is go home and space out.  I sit all day in front of the computer and go home and sit on my butt.  What about the weekend?  Yep, it’s getting a bit chillier now so not as much is going on as far as activity.  Now it’s the holiday season so there are other calorie consuming activities going on too.  Nope, all I want to do is be comfy in my pajamas, maybe play some cards with friends, but definitely don’t want to be smiley, dress up, or go to the gym. (Sorry Mollie and Nick.)

The bad part is that I didn’t really realize how much it was affecting me until I took it out on my friends.  People at work always see me at work.  I am professional, do my job (rather well I might say), all usually while upbeat and happy, except in the morning.  (I don’t do those.)  They obviously know I’m under a lot of pressure to get some things done and that I’m serious about it.  Therefore, they didn’t help me recognize how crazy I got.  I live by myself so rarely do I interact with people on a regular basis except my friends with whom I play volleyball.  What it was was that I got upset about a simple game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.  Yes, so dumb, I know.  I tackled a friend in the sand.  We can all laugh about it now, but it was absolutely ridiculous.  About an hour later, reality set in and I apologized.  Because I was cognizant about what was going on in my life, I stayed in even more.

Now that I got a lot done staying late the last few weeks, being active is a little more appealing.  Last Sunday, I played some volleyball.  Oh geez.  Yes, oh geez.  I played, kinda.  It was so bad that I was being pinched out and not allowed to touch the ball.  Definitely worse comparing to pre-stress ability, I couldn’t even pass!  Everything seemed to be compounded from this work stress.  Not going to the gym= less active.  Not much volleyball= less active.  Stress= eating more comfort food and less nutritious.  All of these= not feeling awesome, gaining weight, and playing like shit.  Oh no, this CANNOT happen. 

Why can’t I get motivated?  Who knows?  I was going to boxing classes for a while, absolutely loving them.  I sweat so much and feel much stronger after.  I showed up one day and the guy who was renting space and running the classes up and left the gym without notice.  Shit.  Now what am I going to do?  After last Sunday’s horrible playing, I was thinking about the changes I needed to make.  I need someone to hold me accountable for going to the gym or being active enough that it makes a difference.  Ideally, that would be a trainer.  But those cost money.  Hmmm.  Working out with friends rarely pan out either.  What can hold me accountable and motivate me to get off the couch?  My Christmas decorating is taking a holiday in my living room because I’m so lazy.  Something needs to change immediately.

I have this wonderful new smart phone. You’d think that the smart lady that talks to you would be able to do something for me!  Alas, after downloading 4 workout programs, I’m doing 8 minute abs on my bedroom floor.  That was last night.  Today, abs hurt this afternoon and I couldn’t wait to make it to the gym to try out a new program.  Ha, it’s 4:00 pm and my phone is buzzing, reminding me of my scheduled workout at 5:00 pm.  There were some things about it that I wasn’t extremely happy about.  Bottom line: I went to the gym and worked out for about 45 minutes, including some good stretch time. 

Benefits?

My knee quit hurting after I quit stretching it out, ate a better portion of food for dinner, the living room is not quite as much a disaster as it was the past few days, and I’m finally blogging again because something made a difference in my life.  I beg that this lasts at least until after the New Year.  I know I didn’t fill you in about the SSSSS, but less contact with my SSSSS buddy= less accountability on myself for the SSSSS goals even though I look at it multiple times per day.  One goal may have been accomplished, though!  That still needs to be discussed with my SSSSS buddy.

I’m excited to keep this up for a bit.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Be strong throughout the holiday season!  It’s important to remember why we have it and to think about the big picture without being selfish this season.  Although I’m still not too confident in my people skills, I appreciate the people in my life today, friend or not.  Friends and family are important in a happy life.  True close friends are major when you don’t have a significant other to share this time with during the holiday season.  Keep smiling and be honest.  Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones!

New Trend

So you know everyone is doing it!  Why is it so special?  Well, it works.  Juicing, that is!  What is the process?  You buy vegetables, put them in a juicer according to a recipe, and then you drink the juice.  It's that simple. 

Depending on your current regimen, you may feel hungry for a day or two.  You may even get light-headed.  Why do those juicing machines cost so much?  In reality, you'd save some major dollars on food and drink, as you're limited to fruits, vegetables, and water.  Has anyone done this?  I have a few friends that are doing it.  Four of them have been doing it for at least 30 days.  I suppose there are plans you can find that will provide recipes. 

I know how to eat well and clean.  I also know what to do in the gym.  Why can't I just do it?  I'm so tired lately...

I guess I'll go to bed now.

Relationship Update

Not to tease you:
but nothing is going on in that department.  Not even any hopes or possibilities.

And:
I just found this and thought it perfectly describes me...
...except for this snow business.

Working on reading this book called "Dateworthy."  At first I wasn't too into it.  The author wrote about 9 different dating "types."  I didn't fit into any of them because there wasn't a "non-existent dater" category.  There's a chapter about tackling or understanding the Two-Headed Beings and one about differentiating between salvageable and not.  There's a real good explanation of these things and good suggestions of things to say to re-direct the reaction center from down there to up there.  We'll see.  Just need some test subjects! 

The Gym, Get a Plan

Because I've been so unmotivated to hit the gym, I've found every excuse in the book not to go.  Last week was the Olympics.  I sat in the gym parking lot, calling my mom so she can look up the time of the gold medal match of women's beach volleyball.  I don't have a smart phone so I need to use other resources sometimes.  I was praying it was 5:30.  Nope, somewhere between 7 and 11.  Darn.  No excuse this time.  I went in, but know I didn't do much.  I got excited about my thought of going to the grocery store for a few key items to make one of my favorite foods.  No way was I not going to be sitting on my couch at 7pm!  So, I left around 6:15.  Don't forget I had to change my clothes, leaving about 25 minutes of actually working out time.  The fact that I did that, I was content with myself.

This happens about once a week, and today was that day.  This was the first week back to school, so it's been super crazy especially since I've had to be available/cover for a teacher that we don't actually currently employ.  I haven't got to work on my regular stuff, but add on top of that the extra running around because of the doubling of our students, and then having to actually teach and be in a classroom.  Point is, work sucks right now.  It's so emotionally draining and stressful that all I want to do after work is drink and space out.  Drinking buddy declined today.  Best way to relieve stress?  Yep, working out.  I went to a different gym today, which actually pushed me a little bit to go. 

As always, I started off doing cardio for a warm-up.  This time was the treadmill.  15 minutes, went .83 miles.  I was rather excited to do something because many times I'm in such a self-induced time crunch that I don't lift or do anything productive.  I put on my gloves and explored the rest of the gym I've never seen before.  Holy people!  Found a decline press machine.  Did 15 of those supersetting with a plank.  Whippee.  Found the adductor and abductor machines.  Did 3 sets of 15 on those with some leg presses on a weird machine.  This is where my thoughts came in. 

Whenever I go into the gym, I need to have a plan.  Just like being productive around the house, I must have a list.  I woke up on Sunday with a list of chores I needed to do, which I wrote before I went to bed on Saturday.  End result?  All but 2 items completed (out of 12) with an extra side "wish to do" chore completed.  So, if I have a workout already planned, I seem to try to get it done. 

I've been tracking my workouts on www.weighttraining.com.  This site has a ton of "celebrity" workouts that you can use and/or purchase.  Some are free and some you have to have a paid membership to view.  The site is kinda cool because you earn medals, points, and increase in levels when you make accomplishments and enter in your workouts.  I wonder if, when I get a smartphone, if I can enter it on the computer with an app.  I think I'd be more consistent with it.  Computer issues and no reminders means I forget to.  Plus, without going to the gym and working out regularly, I forget.  Obviously I'm not motivated to earn those points.  The site has videos and other tools to use if you don't know how to do an exercise or need more information.  If you have friends on there, I think there are additional opportunities. 

So maybe, in order to possibly get more motivated to accomplish tasks at the gym, I should plan a weekly schedule of workouts.  I'm just not so awesome at this tracking thing, even with food.  I know I'm way better at eating when I have to write it down.  I just don't.  I even have a journal!  I just forget or it's not near me, and so I still forget.  Hmmm.  Any ideas?  Would a smartphone have apps to accomplish these tasks?  I'm a bit elementary with some of this technology stuff.  But, I'm a great student and can learn all it has to offer!  If I use it, it'll stick. 

I'll take any other motivating suggestions.  Work people even did a weight loss challenge, spanning over two months.  Did a mid-challenge weigh-in, thought I smoked the competition.  I did, except for one person.  We did use percentage lost, but I had lost 9 pounds.  This other guy lost 15 pounds!  Great for him.  Not for me.  Then stress hit and lost motivation.  He ended up losing another 11 pounds the next month.  Kinda hard to beat.  He bought me lunch when I finally paid him!  Fantastic job!

I need to get to the gym, though.  I'm not eating super horrible, but I'd probably motivate myself even more if I was feeling awesome. 

Alright.  So if you want to know about my past, read the last post.  However, I left out kind of the whole point.  Yes, it is to be more courageous, but there's a whole side of me that I didn't mention.

I was fat.  When I was 5 and in kindergarten, I started plumping up.  It just kept going and going.  In 2008, when I was 28, I started my decent out of obesity.  I weighed 317.  I have proof!  The card I used at the gym documented my journey.  Look in the "Original" column second from the bottom lists the original weight.  One year later, I lost 102 pounds.

So, you may say, "What's the problem?"  The problem is, is that I've never reached my goals.  Weight is only part of it.  Because I haven't reached my weight goal, or at least reached a point where I'm honestly content with my looks, I haven't reached my goals having to do with success in general.  I 100% believe my lack of relationships is directly related to my happiness within myself, which of course has to do with my weight and self-reflection.

I want to have value in people's lives.  To some degree, I do.  There is so much potential left that I can't reach without the relationships I currently have.  I'm in a box right now.  Since 2008, that box has grown tremendously.  I need to find the door that will let me out to where there is no ceiling and no confinement.  Instead of looking out the window at the beauty and the happiness everyone else is experiencing, I want to be a part of it.   

The Beginning

This is the start of something new.  I always have many thoughts that I feel I want to share with people; whether on facebook or another forum.  However, I don't think many want to really hear them or care to much.  They may say to themselves, "Dawn, shut up.  I don't care."  It could be that in reality, they do care and want me to be more active in conversations with substance rather than boring small talk.  It could be my lack of confidence and self-esteem.  I am trying this to see if I can lay my heart out there for people to see, know people do care and really do want the best for me.  It may be a way for me to hold up my end of the bargain.  My goals, my progress...I need to be held accountable. 
I need to do something with my life.  I feel like I've been in a huge plateau with only mini ups and downs.  I want to make some dramatic changes.  I know where I want to go but don't really know how to get there.  I also don't know what changes I should make that will ultimately help me get there and make all my dreams come true.

Most of you don't know much about me....here's my story:
I grew up in a small town of 10,000, New Lenox, Illinois, about an hour south of Chicago.  I loved my childhood, playing outside, getting beat up by my brothers, and spending quality time with my family.  This, however, is my perspective today.  In the moment, I hated it.  Now I know that that is just part of growing up.  Getting to school everyday was awful.  Once I was there, the kids in my class were nice, although they had their own friends.  But they weren't mean.  The bus stop, the bus, kids sitting near me; bully bully bully.  They made me feel worthless and disgusting.  Thunder thighs and many other names shouting towards me.  My only response ever was, "Leave me alone!"  Then they would mock me.  I still remember their names... 

High school wasn't as bad.  However, I only made a few friends.  Some are still lasting, but talking to people was something I was never good at; girl or boy.  All I ever wanted, though, was to have that boy by my side.  I thought he would just come to me.  But he never did.  Even being a friend with a boy was out of reach.  Any boy who came near me I cowered and hid in the corner.  But I wanted him to talk to me so bad.  Generally, I didn't know how to talk to people.  I was the best observer in the world and listened so well.  To this day, it's still true.  I always look at guys and determine if they could possibly be my boyfriend one day.  If not, I have absolutely no trouble talking to them.  If there is a chance, I am so afraid.  Why?  I don't know.  I wish I did.  I tried expanding my abilities in high school.  I tried out for cheerleading and volleyball.  Both complete disasters.  I was unathletic and a slob.  I was so upset about volleyball because we never got to play during try-outs.  All we did was run bleachers.  Ugh! 

I finished high school with decent grades, top 24% of my class. I was just above average.  I felt successful.  I'm lucky I didn't have many outside influences.  If I did, it could've been way worse.  I don't think I was a part of any club or group.  Just a mediocre finish.

My parents said they were moving to Arizona in 1995 and told me that I didn't have to come if I didn't want to.  I had no ties and felt extremely uncomfortable being left by myself without my immediate family.  I started my search for colleges in Arizona.  I didn't look too hard, just at the state university near my new home.  They had an architecture program, so there I went.  I was relieved when I was accepted.  Who knew what was going to happen if I didn't get in and had to look elsewhere. 

So on we went, moving to Arizona.  A new adventure, only the second house I'd ever lived in.  That was unusual even at that time.  My anxiety about talking to strangers continued.  Didn't make any friends in college.  My architecture days were interesting.  I loved it, but wanted to know when I was going to be able to design houses, like I did in high school.  Hated lectures, especially about art history.  Math was how I was successful.  As long as it was logical, it made sense to me.  After two years in architecture, I had to apply to the upper division in order to continue in the program.  How in the hell are you supposed to build models and make it look nice?!?!  My craftsmanship was poor, and I had to figure it out as I went along.  But for some reason, that girl in the back made all her projects so well, so complete, looked amazing, and not only did they meet the requirements, but went way beyond.  I was jealous, but thought it came down to money.  She had it; I didn't.  Or maybe she had the experiences that taught her how to do it well.  I had my dad.  He helped me so much.  He had the tools and showed me the way to be resourceful.  How do you make something out of nothing?  With your visualization, imagination, creativity, and the right tools.  My dad is amazing...I just realized he taught me how to be artsy fartsy!

Needless to say, I didn't even bother to apply to the upper division.  I got torn apart on all my projects but one (I still have that one sitting on a shelf in my novelty room!).  I went to career services and picked up a program guide for ASU.   I was destined to find something that I wanted to do, but something I COULD do as well.  There was only one...Education.  Remember those days of playing outside, making forts, swimming, running the mini-bike into the pool, trading stickers, giving up my best Barbie to my best friend?  Yep.  I also played school.  Always wanted to be the teacher and give out homework.  No one ever did it, though.

While I was evaluating what to do, I continued to take classes; photography and Spanish.  I was working at Walgreens at the time in the photo department.  I learned a lot about pictures, customer service, using my mathematical abilities, and became somewhat fluent in Spanish.  Two of my co-workers became staples in my life at that point.  Samuelito and Maribel.  I see them on facebook now, but that's it.  Twelve years I gave to Walgreens.  I ended up an Assistant Manager.  Up until then, it was the only managerial experience I had had.  I had expectations for my employees and wanted them to accomplish the most possible.  I was focused at work, could figure stuff out, and was successful; until someone wouldn't listen to the "boss." 

Elementary Education is was.  Attending the East campus in Mesa, only the second cohort to graduate from that location.  One colleague in particular had many influences on my life path.  So much so that I owe where I am today professionally all to her.  Kathy, we will call her, graduated with our Bachelor's of Arts in Education, Elementary Education, in December 2001.  At that time, I was working at Walgreens as an Assistant Manager.  I put out my resumes to all these public school districts, wanting to teach 6th grade.  No calls, no interviews.  I kind of felt devastated, but knew at least I had a great job with a great company.  I began working daily as a substitue teacher for a large public school district on my days off from Walgreens.  I felt it gave me great experiences I could use to be hired.  Nothing.  Kathy started the 2002-2003 school year as a special education teacher.  That, I said, is nothing I want to be a part of.  She begged me to come work with her.  She was good friends with the principal and they needed another teacher.  I went in for an interview and met the new principal, who was not Kathy's friend.  He had done to work for a huge district.  This school was on the indian reservation.  Kathy talked every day about why the cops were called.  Who got suspended and what illegal activity was going on.  "Why would I want to go work there?"  I kept asking myself this.  They offered me a job.  Hmmm.  Use my degree or not?  That was the question.  It was sort of hard to say no when I put it that way.  Now, we are starting the 2012-2013 school year.  Wow, 10 years!  I work for a charter school "district" as a special education director.  This distict took over that small school I began my teaching career.  Tomorrow I have to go there because I can't seem to find a teacher for that school.  Kind of weird now that I'm writing this.  I love my job and most of the people I work with.  Professionally, I've come a long way.  Personally, I have a long way to go.

Since the beginning, I've learned a few things.  But through everything, I put work first and have learned to better my communication skills, passive approach to people, being respectful, and making goals.  I've learned so much about people and creating awesome work environments.  However, none of these help me with confidence outside of work.  There have been a few key people who participated in their attempts.  For each of them, they were successful, but in the overall picture, their contributions are minimal.  I love them all so much. 

This is just the beginning.  I will post goals and progress as I go.  Now you kind of know who I am and where I come from.