This is the start of something new. I always have many thoughts that I feel I want to share with people; whether on facebook or another forum. However, I don't think many want to really hear them or care to much. They may say to themselves, "Dawn, shut up. I don't care." It could be that in reality, they do care and want me to be more active in conversations with substance rather than boring small talk. It could be my lack of confidence and self-esteem. I am trying this to see if I can lay my heart out there for people to see, know people do care and really do want the best for me. It may be a way for me to hold up my end of the bargain. My goals, my progress...I need to be held accountable.
I need to do something with my life. I feel like I've been in a huge plateau with only mini ups and downs. I want to make some dramatic changes. I know where I want to go but don't really know how to get there. I also don't know what changes I should make that will ultimately help me get there and make all my dreams come true.
Most of you don't know much about me....here's my story:
I grew up in a small town of 10,000, New Lenox, Illinois, about an hour south of Chicago. I loved my childhood, playing outside, getting beat up by my brothers, and spending quality time with my family. This, however, is my perspective today. In the moment, I hated it. Now I know that that is just part of growing up. Getting to school everyday was awful. Once I was there, the kids in my class were nice, although they had their own friends. But they weren't mean. The bus stop, the bus, kids sitting near me; bully bully bully. They made me feel worthless and disgusting. Thunder thighs and many other names shouting towards me. My only response ever was, "Leave me alone!" Then they would mock me. I still remember their names...
High school wasn't as bad. However, I only made a few friends. Some are still lasting, but talking to people was something I was never good at; girl or boy. All I ever wanted, though, was to have that boy by my side. I thought he would just come to me. But he never did. Even being a friend with a boy was out of reach. Any boy who came near me I cowered and hid in the corner. But I wanted him to talk to me so bad. Generally, I didn't know how to talk to people. I was the best observer in the world and listened so well. To this day, it's still true. I always look at guys and determine if they could possibly be my boyfriend one day. If not, I have absolutely no trouble talking to them. If there is a chance, I am so afraid. Why? I don't know. I wish I did. I tried expanding my abilities in high school. I tried out for cheerleading and volleyball. Both complete disasters. I was unathletic and a slob. I was so upset about volleyball because we never got to play during try-outs. All we did was run bleachers. Ugh!
I finished high school with decent grades, top 24% of my class. I was just above average. I felt successful. I'm lucky I didn't have many outside influences. If I did, it could've been way worse. I don't think I was a part of any club or group. Just a mediocre finish.
My parents said they were moving to Arizona in 1995 and told me that I didn't have to come if I didn't want to. I had no ties and felt extremely uncomfortable being left by myself without my immediate family. I started my search for colleges in Arizona. I didn't look too hard, just at the state university near my new home. They had an architecture program, so there I went. I was relieved when I was accepted. Who knew what was going to happen if I didn't get in and had to look elsewhere.
So on we went, moving to Arizona. A new adventure, only the second house I'd ever lived in. That was unusual even at that time. My anxiety about talking to strangers continued. Didn't make any friends in college. My architecture days were interesting. I loved it, but wanted to know when I was going to be able to design houses, like I did in high school. Hated lectures, especially about art history. Math was how I was successful. As long as it was logical, it made sense to me. After two years in architecture, I had to apply to the upper division in order to continue in the program. How in the hell are you supposed to build models and make it look nice?!?! My craftsmanship was poor, and I had to figure it out as I went along. But for some reason, that girl in the back made all her projects so well, so complete, looked amazing, and not only did they meet the requirements, but went way beyond. I was jealous, but thought it came down to money. She had it; I didn't. Or maybe she had the experiences that taught her how to do it well. I had my dad. He helped me so much. He had the tools and showed me the way to be resourceful. How do you make something out of nothing? With your visualization, imagination, creativity, and the right tools. My dad is amazing...I just realized he taught me how to be artsy fartsy!
Needless to say, I didn't even bother to apply to the upper division. I got torn apart on all my projects but one (I still have that one sitting on a shelf in my novelty room!). I went to career services and picked up a program guide for ASU. I was destined to find something that I wanted to do, but something I COULD do as well. There was only one...Education. Remember those days of playing outside, making forts, swimming, running the mini-bike into the pool, trading stickers, giving up my best Barbie to my best friend? Yep. I also played school. Always wanted to be the teacher and give out homework. No one ever did it, though.
While I was evaluating what to do, I continued to take classes; photography and Spanish. I was working at Walgreens at the time in the photo department. I learned a lot about pictures, customer service, using my mathematical abilities, and became somewhat fluent in Spanish. Two of my co-workers became staples in my life at that point. Samuelito and Maribel. I see them on facebook now, but that's it. Twelve years I gave to Walgreens. I ended up an Assistant Manager. Up until then, it was the only managerial experience I had had. I had expectations for my employees and wanted them to accomplish the most possible. I was focused at work, could figure stuff out, and was successful; until someone wouldn't listen to the "boss."
Elementary Education is was. Attending the East campus in Mesa, only the second cohort to graduate from that location. One colleague in particular had many influences on my life path. So much so that I owe where I am today professionally all to her. Kathy, we will call her, graduated with our Bachelor's of Arts in Education, Elementary Education, in December 2001. At that time, I was working at Walgreens as an Assistant Manager. I put out my resumes to all these public school districts, wanting to teach 6th grade. No calls, no interviews. I kind of felt devastated, but knew at least I had a great job with a great company. I began working daily as a substitue teacher for a large public school district on my days off from Walgreens. I felt it gave me great experiences I could use to be hired. Nothing. Kathy started the 2002-2003 school year as a special education teacher. That, I said, is nothing I want to be a part of. She begged me to come work with her. She was good friends with the principal and they needed another teacher. I went in for an interview and met the new principal, who was not Kathy's friend. He had done to work for a huge district. This school was on the indian reservation. Kathy talked every day about why the cops were called. Who got suspended and what illegal activity was going on. "Why would I want to go work there?" I kept asking myself this. They offered me a job. Hmmm. Use my degree or not? That was the question. It was sort of hard to say no when I put it that way. Now, we are starting the 2012-2013 school year. Wow, 10 years! I work for a charter school "district" as a special education director. This distict took over that small school I began my teaching career. Tomorrow I have to go there because I can't seem to find a teacher for that school. Kind of weird now that I'm writing this. I love my job and most of the people I work with. Professionally, I've come a long way. Personally, I have a long way to go.
Since the beginning, I've learned a few things. But through everything, I put work first and have learned to better my communication skills, passive approach to people, being respectful, and making goals. I've learned so much about people and creating awesome work environments. However, none of these help me with confidence outside of work. There have been a few key people who participated in their attempts. For each of them, they were successful, but in the overall picture, their contributions are minimal. I love them all so much.
This is just the beginning. I will post goals and progress as I go. Now you kind of know who I am and where I come from.
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